...

It's Nov 3. It's been a week and 2 days since Lady died. I still stare at her pic every day. Every person and animal I look at in a different away now. As if they are vapor. Because there is no grey area between life and death.. either you're alive or you're dead, very dead. Even sick weak terminally ill people or animals are very alive, because they have their soul.

Today I looked at Lady's coat and remembered how the fur in each area felt. Some areas smooth, some fuzzier, some, like around her nose, hard, with bone under. The white part of her chest so silky, and coming to form a perfect "V" in the middle. Her smooth legs, and how the area between the tendons in her back leg always felt so thin, just skin and fur.

I think her nose used to be more wet as a younger dog but it was dry in her adult life.

Losing Lady has made me focus on family thoughts more, and how much I hate mom. How mean she was to me the day Lady died. How she glared at me in the morning when I woke up, but could be heard chatting cheerfully with Sera minutes later. She loves someone she met two times more than me. If Sera hadn't been there she would have gone apeshit on me, and spoiled the last memory with Lady. I hate her more than I've ever hated her, or at least now that Lady's gone, I'm more free to acknowledge it. Every single thing she's ever done to me has been circulating my mind the past few days and I'm debating whether or not to spill it to Dad.. I don't know if it would be worth it.. but I don't want to go back to Delta now that Lady's gone.