...

i went...

i walked there slowly. i almost kept walking straight to stanley park. i stopped at the bottom of the stairs and stared at the menu, and took a deep breath. i really really didn't want to go. i have gone to a birthday dinner before where i knew nobody except the birthday person and i knew exactly what to expect.. it's not that fun. this was like .. so un-fun it was comedic. i hugged j, who was surprised to see me, and already seated amongst a sea of friends. i sat at the very end, across from nobody. he didn't come down once to say hi. his friend john though.. holy crap.. what a nice guy. came down right away because he noticed i was by myself. john and angela are the sugar mommy nurse and quiet computer geek couple. anyway.. john really went out of his way to be talkative tonight and so did angela. i think they might have known that j was mad at me or something, because they seemed extra sympathetic and nice towards me. i really appreciated it. i moved down from my lonely end of the table to john, angela and j's end when the bellydancing began..

j didn't even make eye contact with me. his friends were mostly really nice and want me to come bellydance, as j said they would. god.. i cannot believe what a fucktard he is. i'm not gonna get into the emotions i felt there, because that i'll save for another blog. ok fine.. i felt really cold shouldered. i felt like a black vegetarian jew in a KKK all you can eat ribs nazi establishment. why did i torture myself by going? i'm not sure. i can't think of one good reason.. except i wanted to show j and john and angela that i'm not a sell-out flake, and show j that i care about him no matter what our status or lack thereof is. ... .. . also because he had been bugging me for a month to move in with them, and said we'd be talking about it tonight as a group. i found out from john it's a two bedroom place which means i won't be moving in there for sure, now that i just told j the other day that i made up my mind i would. he hasn't told me anything about it personally, so that i can formally change my plans. i've just had to read into it and react.

......

I don't know.. was he happy? I'm not sure. I couldn't really read his expression, other than the fact that he was pointedly avoiding eye contact. The only times I spoke to him were when I came (hug) and when I left (another hug) and when I asked where my bill was. Before I asked that, he said 'how was your whole night?' That's all he said.

I went to R's immediately after. Usually R's place calms me but I was too stressed this time to be calmed.. R deleted all the music in my ipod by accident and filled it with new stuff.

he didn't introduce me to any of his friends. he didn't call before the event like he said he would. he called two days ago at work, the morning after he was mean to me on the phone. to apologize. that was it. if he didn't call then there's a good chance i wouldn't have gone. This is really horrible treatment, even if I'm just a friend (and i'm not; i'm officially the girlfriend).

But...
a) I just sort of cold shouldered V this morning on purpose.. I felt bad but I'm tired of her.. and if J is tired of me or whatever I can see how I should accept it because there is reason behind it.. people never really cold shoulder each other just to be mean. it's true.

b) Stuff like this really tests my stamina. As much as it tears me apart it makes me really tough and I feel a lot stronger when I put myself through nights like tonight.. and I like that feeling.