Posts from my personal diary

I just wanted to add these posts from my personal diary here, so everything Joel-related regarding recent events will be all in one place, and it will be more clear what happened. So these were written before the dinner event that happened last night. These were written the past week when J didn't contact me:

Entry 1:
...... I've cut off a lot of dead weight recently in my life. Many acquaintances, and people I just kept withing arms length... 'just in case.' Well really, I don't need all these people. In fact I really don't need anyone. As long as I have a job, and have money, I can buy all the help I need. What I need is just one or two (preferably one) person I can be close to and lean on for support. That person was and is (knock on wood) to be Joel.I like the idea of having one lover and buddy and person to come home to at the end of the day to talk to and snuggle with. When I spend time with him, or when I spend time crying when he's not around, I feel 0 appetite for talking to anyone who doesn't matter to me more than 89%.I've completely severed conversation with Vivien and rarely respond to Matt or Boost or anyone else on my msn. I'd rather have no friendship at all than an on and off one that doesn't go anywhere deep (Boost), or one that involves someone always hitting on me (Matt), or hanging around people who drive me nuts, but doing it because there are little tiny occurances where I derive some satisfaction from their company (Vivien).I'm very alone now. En seule. I mind it a lot on one hand, and not at all on the other. I only talk to people I like, and are peaceful to be around, who don't hit on me, and will have semi-deep convos with me.. like Ross and Saffi. They're the only other people I ever talk to or see these days.In the past I made the mistake of dating guys because I felt like I needed a support system.. guys like Davis or Kevin. I don't need any support system. I'm totally self sufficient, as long as I have a job. And this job I have is going nowhere for the time being. If I need to move I can rent movers and a van. If I need to cuddle I can go to Ross's and get a short but decent cuddle or two after sex. If I need someone to talk to I have myself and my blog. I also have peace through walking to the lake or listening to my ipod.Dating those guys helped me a bit... I got a few rides here and there and help choosing a suite..sometimes a bit of computer help.. but overall.. nothing I can't do myself or ask someone else to help with.If Joel decides he wants to take off, I don't think I'm going to suddenly try and re-befriend all these people I cut off. I really have no desire. I'm more peaceful when I havn't spread myself thin. This whole segment of my life has been focused on stripping away the less important things in life and prioritizing because I'm realizing how short life is. Don't read the instruction manual from start to finish if you can install it with a bit of trial and error. Don't buy printer cartridges if you don't really need to print and want an ipod much, much more. Nobody said you had to be perfect and cover all bases. Don't befriend everyone just because you don't want to hurt feelings, and because you want to have a network of resources. Instead, keep one or two close people around you. Or at least try to.

Entry 2:
Oh so now you're calling me because you feel like you revealed a piece of yourself and now you're all giddy and embarassed about it so you're calling me right? He says. This pisses me off because he's trying to reduce me to a psychological case study. This makes me feel patronized, like a 7 year old trying to sort out her emotions.I can't help being a little insecure when you've been doing the whole limp-rag 'somethings bothering me but i'm gonna act grumpy and distant rather than talk' thing for over 24 hours. So I compensate and act extra chirpy and cheerful to try and cheer you up. I joke and you don't see to catch them. I express delight at moving in with you, thinking you'll be happy about this because you've been bugging me for the past month to do so.You're still in limp rag mode.I sent you three emails and they were all meant to cheer you up. One was how you look hot. The second was thanking you for coming here to surprise me and cook and help me shop (you didn't get that one). The third was to say I don't mind dating you on your terms (that it will never be permanent) and that I also decided I want to move in with you and John and Angela. You got that email and you opened it this morning and you didn't reply.Instead you pretended not to get it when I called tonight, until a few minutes into the convo. Then you casually said you got it and hardly commented. Then some long awkward pauses. Frustrated, I said 'whaa-att!' Meaning.. "what on earth is wrong?"To which you reply that now Is Not The Best Time To Talk. Why? Because you're on a cordless and I'm on my cell and the reception is bad. I mumble something about talking to you over email and hang up.Now I'm here crying again for like.. the third time this month. The cry on demand thing. The can't do anything else for 2 minutes without crying thing.Before I thought it was because I missed you and cared about you. Now I'm thinking its for other reasons. Like, I get really sad when I try to please other people but it doesn't work. Or when others are disappointed in me, or I really don't feel like I have any control over whether you walk away or anything. I don't care if you do; I learned not to care after all the times you did. But it's that lack of control, that feeling.. of insecurity.. that feeling of 'something is wrong and I can't fix it.' That feeling that I'm being shunned by you -- that makes me cry.Now I want to slap you for saying 'Please be open and honest with me and never be afraid to tell me anything.' Because here I am trying to communicate with you and you shut me down. How can I ever be open and honest with you if I always to be afraid of this? How can I say exactly what's on my heart............. only to have... a non-response from you. For fuck's sakes even a negative response would be better. This is exactly why I'm afraid to speak my mind around you. I feel like what I've said has gone into a big dark abyss and I'll never know what's happened to it. You're meditating on what I said, chewing on it... or maybe not even thinking about it at all! And then, suddenly, it'll make you react.. maybe make you cheerful again, and make you that totally 'wrapped around you in public like a lovesick monkey' Joel again.. or it could make you run off and not contact me for 3 weeks.How the fuck am I supposed to say anything, or move a fucking joint when I'm walking on eggshells like this! You're a fucking sea of eggshells and I'm a 500 lb deadweight no matter what I do!Fuck you for making me cry again..Here I am one day all happy and in your arms and thinking I have a place to move into in a month and the next night I'm off messaging other people with rooms for rent, and thinking maybe you're not my boyfriend anymore. Here I go, off to cry again. Thank you.