I woke up with a splitting headache, the same one I had in my dream. In my dream, my family stayed over at my place, as well as my brothers (old) girl, and a faceless boi of mine, both of whom my mom seriously maimed while they were sleeping. She charged around with a pistol in each hand. Scary stuff.

I'm deciding whether or not to reapply at the restaurant I used to work at 2 years ago. I quit the job because it was stressful. If I go back I might take pills to calm my nervous system. Seriously. I talked to a friend who recommended tryptophan in pill form. It's the stuff in turkeys of course. It's pricey, about $140 for 100 1-gram pills, of which u take 1-2 a night. But if I'm working there I could afford it. Just not in the first few weeks.

I liked this post of Sam's so much I'm reposting it here:

I was confusing online conversations with real conversations (comments to post--6.15.2004). I was feeling attacked. I was feeling extraordinarily guilty about this blog. It's something I've been complimented on and something I take some pride in. But it's a secret. It's essentially the only secret I keep from A.

I don't feel guilty about feeling the feelings I feel (feely feel feel feel) because I can sense the extent to which they matter. If I change moods, the past feelings are forgotten and I move on to new perspectives. And though I recognize them as my own, their recording in this blog has given those fleeting ruminations a weight and permanency they didn't contain when expressed. It's fine to have feelings, but dangerous to express them. Saying stuff you think you think will often end up biting you in the ass. While feelings themselves are wisped away in an instant, once they're expressed, the dark mood is concretized. Now it has it's own life. Even assuming the statement is correctly interpreted, the person who witnessed expression of your dark thoughts has no mechanism for assigning the statement a relative weight--no ability to replace one fleeting sentiment with another. It's a dark, lonely world outside of our heads. I live in complete ignorance of everyone. Nobody knows anybody. The more I say, the more wrong you are about me. But we still judge. And I still care.

I was feeling attacked and guilty and I needed to talk about it. All I could think about was the blog. But it's a secret. I wanted A to force it out of me. She pried appropriately. But I was aware that the more she knew, the more wrong she would be about how I feel. So I told lies that touched on the truth. ...

This fucking life.

Wouldn't it be such a great life if we had telepathy and could convey all the nuances and fickleness of our feelings to the other person? It would be so liberating to be able to pour out all our emotions to other people. But I find that with the people who are closest to me, even significant others, I really don't convey more than 50% of what I'm feeling. When R kept asking why I didn't want to visit him anymore, I wrote out a long essay on my secretgiggle.com blog about how I felt there was a power imbalance with him being the rejector and me the rejectee. I contemplated sending it but a friend helped change my mind by asking 'What would you gain?'

I would have merely traded the satisfaction of being understood with a newfound awkwardness in the relationship. Around the same time I wanted to tell my mom how much she hurt me. But that would have made her angry, meaning no free food for me. She would have interpreted it as meaning her whole career of motherhood has been a failure. And right now there are so many emotions and thoughts I filter out when I talk to H. He always asks me what I'm thinking and 90% of the time I can't tell him because it would take a lot of processing and editing to make it acceptable for him to hear. I can't tell him I like his touch because I don't want to give the impression I'm falling head over heals for him. I can't tell him I'm still open to the idea of an open relationship, because I don't want to push him away.

At the expense of not conveying our true emotions, and because we can't possibly express the depth and contingent factors of each emotion, we give share only enough to manipulate people and situations to create a desired outcome. To find a 'soulmate' whereby you can express 90% of your emotions with no fear of misunderstanding must be a pretty phenomenal situation. Would require *so* much understanding, trust and security. Is something I think I might have seen, but only rarely, in a couple.

^H^

So stuff is actually going good in boyland for once! It appears surfing will take place next week. I can't wait!

Tonight we went to Shark Club Ms. Molson Indy finals b/c H's friend's gf was competing..she won third place!

It's 5 am. Oops.

Sarah McLachlan - Possession

I sang this walking down West 6th Ave today. (Rabbit in the Moon remix is awesome)

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhyme
My body aches to breathe your breath,
you words keep me alive,

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Portishead

I love the Portishead Dummy album.

// Wandering Star //

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief
For it’s such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way
And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

... those who have seen the needles eye, now tread
Like a husk, from which all that was, now has fled
And the masks, that the monsters wear
To feed, upon their prey

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

(always) doubled up inside
Take awhile to shed my grief
(always) doubled up inside
Taunted, cruel.... ...

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

Wandering Star

1. Just chatting w/ Viv on msn. Telling her about how my bro got jumped by some guys by my old highschool last night.. for no reason. Yeurk. Some kids are so soulless. We went to the nightmarket tonight on very short notice. They always hide it in a new silly place. This time you have to walk through long grass, old wood and railway tracks. It's funny seeing swarms of Taiwanese hiking through BC wilderness to get to a nightmarket, instead of pushing through moped-infested concrete.

2. Meh. I'm being convinced not to do telemarketing, because it makes you sadistic and you have to be personable and comedic and entertaining. But its $20/hr. I would loooove to make $20/hr. Who wouldn't? Sigh. I could just *try* it.. I wrote down a note to call tomorrow at 1.. or maybe Monday at 1.. sigh.. applied to an ESL school that only pays $9/hr. Took me about 2.5 hours to write the coverletter.. it always takes me soo long to write one from scratch. Viv says the wages are an insult but I doubt I'll even get a callback because theres so many people around here who've taken TESL or even taught overseas... feeling lots of self pity at the moment..

Yay!

Secret Giggle lives on. We wouldn't want the drama to stop now, would we? :P