2 Years Since Your Death

Dear Lady,

Just because I don't post as regularly doesn't mean I don't think about you. It's fall again and I've been thinking about you lots. I went back to Rockwood, where you were born, and I saw Beethoven's grave again. I thought a lot about you both, saw the ditch Beethoven pulled me into during winter and I fell through the ice and got soaking wet. Saw the fields you and Bee used to run through. Pondered about the fragility of human and animal life, while the same trees continued to grow and shed new and old leaves, and stand in the exact same places they've always been.

Thought long and hard about how the P's and the H's had also been through so many dogs and cats... how there are always new ones to replace the old ones, and how humans always need the company of pets, even when the old ones are gone, but not forgotten.

It made me a bit bitter and envious of nature, to see it thrive, so beautifully, when you and Beethoven have been long gone from this earth, and when I have been long since displaced from what I feel is my home. I lay in the forest between our old house and Vince's house for probably more than an hour in total, and just gazed up at the breathtaking trees that no words can describe. The sun illuminated the whole forest and it glowed in warm yellow tones. All I could hear was the wind, the leaves lightly falling all around me, and the occasional bird, crickets and Canada goose. And once in a while a car going by.

Nothing's really changed. It's still as sparsely populated as it was in 93. I miss you and Beethoven SO MUCH. And last night I cried, feeling so guilty about how I left you for a year to go to Korea. You were my baby, and I'm sure you didn't understand why I left for so long. I felt SO guilty when I came back and you were suddenly so senile, and you didn't greet me with as much joy as usual. Probably because you had already come to terms with the fact I had died, or permanently abandoned you. And NOTHING will ever make me feel less regretful, less guilty about that.

No other dogs will ever replace you two. I went to the E. Fall Fair and saw the stage where I'd taken Beethoven in his clown hat; the Gentle Ben's pet show.. and Bee had been an embarrassment, refusing to go up the stairs, then pulling so hard on the leash, that I got a pity donation of 50 cents by an onlooker. I filmed the building. It seems much smaller than it did as a kid.

I can't believe it's already been two years. Fall used to be my favorite season, a close tie with spring.. but every fall, I will always think of you, because when the weather grew colder, you grew weaker, and died. I'm really sorry you had to die, it seemed so early and unjust. I hope you're running free in dog heaven, with strong back legs and a youthful body. I hope you have lots of table scraps to eat, and are allowed to be an indoor dog. I hope you have a girl to take care of you and brush you when you shed, and won't take off to Korea in your old age. I hope I can see you again. Please wait for me!

Love, Jo.