Here is my email back.

I wrote 2500 words as soon as I got his email. I chopped most of it out today, and this is the email I am sending him....

I’m sending you this email multiple times until I know you’ve gotten it because your email isn’t working.

Joel,

It’s not so bad that you’ve found someone who better suits you, and found a place to live that doesn’t suit me, even though we had agreed I’d be moving in with the three of you the last time we spoke. That’s all pleasant and dandy. It is the way you ostracized me all week and didn’t think I was worthy of being updated on any of these things that makes you low and sub-human.

Reading what you wrote in your email makes my heart twitch a bit but it does not hurt me at all compared to how I hurt over the past week, from the last night you spent here, to the night of your party. You barricaded yourself from me all week and I cried because I had no idea what I had done wrong. You really killed me inside.

You don’t know what its like to have been in my shoes, to have dragged myself to your party alone. You didn’t call that night like you said you would. I half expected you to show up at my door but you didn’t come. I know exactly what it’s like to go to a birthday dinner where you literally know nobody. I knew exactly what I was going to put myself through and I thought about it all day and wanted so badly to stay home.

I called your place, and I called Angela. I can picture you telling her to tell me you were in the shower. I walked out my door anyway. I almost kept walking straight to Stanley park instead of going to Kalypso’s. I turned the other way up Robson, and walked a huge loop before coming back. I hoped Angela had given me the wrong directions. But her directions were perfect. I stopped at the steps of Kalypso’s and stared at the menu for a long time. I was so close to turning around. I pulled myself up the steps because you were my friend and I did not want you to be hurt if I had missed your party.

I arrived and I hugged you and you barely looked at me. I sat at the end of the table, across from nobody, and ate my dinner alone. At your party. At the party of someone who called himself my boyfriend four days earlier. I could have left early to put an end to how uncomfortable I felt. But I stayed, because I cared about you and I wanted to be there to show you that, regardless of what my title was in relation to you. When I moved down to your end of the table, you didn’t talk to me. You didn’t look at me. To you, I was not there at all. To you, I was shit on the bottom of a shoe.

I hope you enjoyed your presents; I hope you enjoyed your cake. I hope you enjoyed being surrounded by good friends who care about you. I hope that every time you think back to your 29.5th birthday party, your happy memories will be tainted by the memory of you being an asshole. Do you know how fucking bad you made my feel by not talking to me, or introducing me to any of your friends, or even looking at me? Why didn’t you? Joel, you couldn’t have made me feel like any more like pure and utter fucking dogshit even if you tried. The way you handled the situation was immature. Inept. Incompetent. Childish. Self-absorbed. It was definitely not the way a man would have handled the situation. You can’t look me in the eye at a party I came to especially for you, because you have a crush on someone. Fuck that. You’re pathetic, and I’m glad you sort of realize that, even if not fully. A man (especially one as outgoing as you) would have swallowed his pride and set aside his own ill-at-ease feelings for a second to come down to my end of the table, give me a hug, introduce me to his friends, and make the best of an uncomfortable, but not unheard-of situation. Instead your friend John, seeing that I was alone, came and talked to me. Your friend Angela waved me down to your end of the table, while you sat in your childish stupor. It doesn’t matter if you have a crush on the girl next to you. It doesn’t matter if your fickle little emotions are putting your panties in a twist and oh my you feel so awkward. YOU DO NOT TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY.

You've always said I don't tell you things in the moment. I know exactly how I feel in the moment, and if you were any other person I could tell you then and there. Instead I must pick and choose every word. I’ve walked on eggshells so as not to set you off on another big emotional weekly midlife crisis. You, on the other hand, don't tell me things in the moment because you're so busy making love to your own feelings you forget that other people exist. Your emotions are a big fog around you. You were so self-absorbed you couldn’t even bother to update me with a simple phone call this week to tell me what was going on. When I tell you I care about you, you drift off into your own thoughts for the rest of the night, your eyes rolled back in your head, sitting there lifelessly massaging your own ego instead of responding to me. When I tell you I missed you, you get angry and demand why I didn't tell you sooner instead of appreciating I told you that moment. When I tell you I'm excited that you're going to be my new roommate, you disappear, and become moody. For as long as I’ve known you, it’s always been about what YOU feel and about what YOU think. I don’t think I’ve ever even told you anything personal about myself, about my dreams, or anything important to me. This is not a subjective opinion, Joel, and I'm sure many people in your life can attest to how you let yourself be ruled by your emotions to the point where you become a self-absorbed prick.

You’ve sold me out way too many times to count, you’ve disappeared for days and months with no explanation, and I let you back in my life each time. You were welcomed back into my life a third time after running away for a stupid reason that most people wouldn’t have forgiven you for, but I did. You have now finally managed to sabotage our friendship beyond repair. Loyal and dependable people are hard to find and I will now value those few people I do have in my life a whole lot more. Unreliable and self-absorbed people can go fuck themselves (and I suppose they’ll have to, if they’re impotent like you).

Have a great self-absorbed life, and please do not ever, in this lifetime, contact me again.

His email from last night

This is when he finally contacted me Monday night (last night), a day after his birthday dinner. The mystery of the birthday dinner is finally revealed here, and I finally became aware of what was going on that night:

Before I say anything else I obviously owe you an apology for last night. I amsorry.Now in regards to us and this e-mail and the events of last week..............Ithink I feel even worse. Well not so much worse but sad that you and I are sodifferent. I like you I really do. We have fun together and it feels always niceto be with you. Except for something we both have mentioned before. My emotions.When you went me this I was not overly sure what to feel or say. I knew thoughtthat I felt very off when you had not much to offer when I was there last.Jocelle I do not think you and I can ever be much more then we are. These twocool cats who hang out and snuggle. While this is healthy and fun I need andwant to be with someone who can make sense of my feelings and respond to themquickly. I know you do not mean to make me feel this way but when you delayanswering me on important things I feel like I am left hanging. Worse I feeleven regected. Again I know you do not mean it.I wanted to tell you all of this in person but I know written format seems tosuit you better :( and that alone is a reason why we frustrate each other so. Ithink what I am saying is I am retracting abit from any happy picture I may havetried to paint with you. In my desperate search to not be alone and replace whatI lost I try to heighten anything I can. I think I did this with you. I tooksome good times and comfort and started to try to build a future instead ofleting things develope naturally. Again I am sorry.Now as far as moving............We found a great heritage house to rent. Well the upstairs anyways. It is reallycool and a GREAT deal. The problem is it is 2 bedrooms. Now one of the rooms issomewhat devided and oddly shaped. It definately could house the two of us. Iwill gladly share it with you if you still want to move in with us. I just thinkit should be made clear that we would be what we are just in a more daily formatas roomies who snuggle. This may be weird and asking too much. I leave it up toyou. The rent would be split with me and make it about $225.00 each. Wich isreally cheap. It is in New West near downtown. 10 minute walk to sky train kindof thing.Now you absolutely have to know this aswell. The woman who sat beside me (Lisa)and I met and really hit it off. I mean REALLY hit it off. SHe is very excitableand in the moment and full of life. Basically she is a helluva lot like mecommunication wise. I am taking things or trying to very slow with her but manwe get along awesome. I want to get to know her more and explore this conection.It is horrible timing I know. I did not know that I was having a surprise partylast night or I would have called you ahead of time to try to prepare you for anuncomfortable situation. I am sorry for that again. I wanted to talk to you buthad no time to try to explain or even had anything to explain as all of thishappened so fast. I just feel a weird and wonderfull draw to her Joel like bigerthan life aproach. I do not want to miss a thing she says.I feel like such a jerk about this. I do not know what else to say. It is notlike we are breaking up or anything but I just want to be fair with you. SOdigest all of this in your Joceele timetable and I guess we can talk when youhave sorted out how you feel. Sorry ahead of time if you get gurt from this. Ifeel bad allready :(Joel

Posts from my personal diary

I just wanted to add these posts from my personal diary here, so everything Joel-related regarding recent events will be all in one place, and it will be more clear what happened. So these were written before the dinner event that happened last night. These were written the past week when J didn't contact me:

Entry 1:
...... I've cut off a lot of dead weight recently in my life. Many acquaintances, and people I just kept withing arms length... 'just in case.' Well really, I don't need all these people. In fact I really don't need anyone. As long as I have a job, and have money, I can buy all the help I need. What I need is just one or two (preferably one) person I can be close to and lean on for support. That person was and is (knock on wood) to be Joel.I like the idea of having one lover and buddy and person to come home to at the end of the day to talk to and snuggle with. When I spend time with him, or when I spend time crying when he's not around, I feel 0 appetite for talking to anyone who doesn't matter to me more than 89%.I've completely severed conversation with Vivien and rarely respond to Matt or Boost or anyone else on my msn. I'd rather have no friendship at all than an on and off one that doesn't go anywhere deep (Boost), or one that involves someone always hitting on me (Matt), or hanging around people who drive me nuts, but doing it because there are little tiny occurances where I derive some satisfaction from their company (Vivien).I'm very alone now. En seule. I mind it a lot on one hand, and not at all on the other. I only talk to people I like, and are peaceful to be around, who don't hit on me, and will have semi-deep convos with me.. like Ross and Saffi. They're the only other people I ever talk to or see these days.In the past I made the mistake of dating guys because I felt like I needed a support system.. guys like Davis or Kevin. I don't need any support system. I'm totally self sufficient, as long as I have a job. And this job I have is going nowhere for the time being. If I need to move I can rent movers and a van. If I need to cuddle I can go to Ross's and get a short but decent cuddle or two after sex. If I need someone to talk to I have myself and my blog. I also have peace through walking to the lake or listening to my ipod.Dating those guys helped me a bit... I got a few rides here and there and help choosing a suite..sometimes a bit of computer help.. but overall.. nothing I can't do myself or ask someone else to help with.If Joel decides he wants to take off, I don't think I'm going to suddenly try and re-befriend all these people I cut off. I really have no desire. I'm more peaceful when I havn't spread myself thin. This whole segment of my life has been focused on stripping away the less important things in life and prioritizing because I'm realizing how short life is. Don't read the instruction manual from start to finish if you can install it with a bit of trial and error. Don't buy printer cartridges if you don't really need to print and want an ipod much, much more. Nobody said you had to be perfect and cover all bases. Don't befriend everyone just because you don't want to hurt feelings, and because you want to have a network of resources. Instead, keep one or two close people around you. Or at least try to.

Entry 2:
Oh so now you're calling me because you feel like you revealed a piece of yourself and now you're all giddy and embarassed about it so you're calling me right? He says. This pisses me off because he's trying to reduce me to a psychological case study. This makes me feel patronized, like a 7 year old trying to sort out her emotions.I can't help being a little insecure when you've been doing the whole limp-rag 'somethings bothering me but i'm gonna act grumpy and distant rather than talk' thing for over 24 hours. So I compensate and act extra chirpy and cheerful to try and cheer you up. I joke and you don't see to catch them. I express delight at moving in with you, thinking you'll be happy about this because you've been bugging me for the past month to do so.You're still in limp rag mode.I sent you three emails and they were all meant to cheer you up. One was how you look hot. The second was thanking you for coming here to surprise me and cook and help me shop (you didn't get that one). The third was to say I don't mind dating you on your terms (that it will never be permanent) and that I also decided I want to move in with you and John and Angela. You got that email and you opened it this morning and you didn't reply.Instead you pretended not to get it when I called tonight, until a few minutes into the convo. Then you casually said you got it and hardly commented. Then some long awkward pauses. Frustrated, I said 'whaa-att!' Meaning.. "what on earth is wrong?"To which you reply that now Is Not The Best Time To Talk. Why? Because you're on a cordless and I'm on my cell and the reception is bad. I mumble something about talking to you over email and hang up.Now I'm here crying again for like.. the third time this month. The cry on demand thing. The can't do anything else for 2 minutes without crying thing.Before I thought it was because I missed you and cared about you. Now I'm thinking its for other reasons. Like, I get really sad when I try to please other people but it doesn't work. Or when others are disappointed in me, or I really don't feel like I have any control over whether you walk away or anything. I don't care if you do; I learned not to care after all the times you did. But it's that lack of control, that feeling.. of insecurity.. that feeling of 'something is wrong and I can't fix it.' That feeling that I'm being shunned by you -- that makes me cry.Now I want to slap you for saying 'Please be open and honest with me and never be afraid to tell me anything.' Because here I am trying to communicate with you and you shut me down. How can I ever be open and honest with you if I always to be afraid of this? How can I say exactly what's on my heart............. only to have... a non-response from you. For fuck's sakes even a negative response would be better. This is exactly why I'm afraid to speak my mind around you. I feel like what I've said has gone into a big dark abyss and I'll never know what's happened to it. You're meditating on what I said, chewing on it... or maybe not even thinking about it at all! And then, suddenly, it'll make you react.. maybe make you cheerful again, and make you that totally 'wrapped around you in public like a lovesick monkey' Joel again.. or it could make you run off and not contact me for 3 weeks.How the fuck am I supposed to say anything, or move a fucking joint when I'm walking on eggshells like this! You're a fucking sea of eggshells and I'm a 500 lb deadweight no matter what I do!Fuck you for making me cry again..Here I am one day all happy and in your arms and thinking I have a place to move into in a month and the next night I'm off messaging other people with rooms for rent, and thinking maybe you're not my boyfriend anymore. Here I go, off to cry again. Thank you.

...

i went...

i walked there slowly. i almost kept walking straight to stanley park. i stopped at the bottom of the stairs and stared at the menu, and took a deep breath. i really really didn't want to go. i have gone to a birthday dinner before where i knew nobody except the birthday person and i knew exactly what to expect.. it's not that fun. this was like .. so un-fun it was comedic. i hugged j, who was surprised to see me, and already seated amongst a sea of friends. i sat at the very end, across from nobody. he didn't come down once to say hi. his friend john though.. holy crap.. what a nice guy. came down right away because he noticed i was by myself. john and angela are the sugar mommy nurse and quiet computer geek couple. anyway.. john really went out of his way to be talkative tonight and so did angela. i think they might have known that j was mad at me or something, because they seemed extra sympathetic and nice towards me. i really appreciated it. i moved down from my lonely end of the table to john, angela and j's end when the bellydancing began..

j didn't even make eye contact with me. his friends were mostly really nice and want me to come bellydance, as j said they would. god.. i cannot believe what a fucktard he is. i'm not gonna get into the emotions i felt there, because that i'll save for another blog. ok fine.. i felt really cold shouldered. i felt like a black vegetarian jew in a KKK all you can eat ribs nazi establishment. why did i torture myself by going? i'm not sure. i can't think of one good reason.. except i wanted to show j and john and angela that i'm not a sell-out flake, and show j that i care about him no matter what our status or lack thereof is. ... .. . also because he had been bugging me for a month to move in with them, and said we'd be talking about it tonight as a group. i found out from john it's a two bedroom place which means i won't be moving in there for sure, now that i just told j the other day that i made up my mind i would. he hasn't told me anything about it personally, so that i can formally change my plans. i've just had to read into it and react.

......

I don't know.. was he happy? I'm not sure. I couldn't really read his expression, other than the fact that he was pointedly avoiding eye contact. The only times I spoke to him were when I came (hug) and when I left (another hug) and when I asked where my bill was. Before I asked that, he said 'how was your whole night?' That's all he said.

I went to R's immediately after. Usually R's place calms me but I was too stressed this time to be calmed.. R deleted all the music in my ipod by accident and filled it with new stuff.

he didn't introduce me to any of his friends. he didn't call before the event like he said he would. he called two days ago at work, the morning after he was mean to me on the phone. to apologize. that was it. if he didn't call then there's a good chance i wouldn't have gone. This is really horrible treatment, even if I'm just a friend (and i'm not; i'm officially the girlfriend).

But...
a) I just sort of cold shouldered V this morning on purpose.. I felt bad but I'm tired of her.. and if J is tired of me or whatever I can see how I should accept it because there is reason behind it.. people never really cold shoulder each other just to be mean. it's true.

b) Stuff like this really tests my stamina. As much as it tears me apart it makes me really tough and I feel a lot stronger when I put myself through nights like tonight.. and I like that feeling.

i really really dont wanna go to j's surprise 29.5 bday party tonight. he was mean to me on the phone. and he said he'd call about tonight but hasn't ....but he doesn't know it's his party. this is the weirdest situation ever. i don't know if he even wants to see me there.. but it would be such a sell out not to go, especially to his friend arranging it..

god, this is like the nicest thing i'll ever do for someone.. ugh.. i don't even know any of his friends going. can u say awkward? they are all swingers too.

wish me luck.

*cry*

yawn

So I'm just waiting around at my brother's place for all the songs I ripped off his comp to upload to my ipod, whose name is now "Poddy." There's so much more stuff I want too. Mostly from off of R's computer. I want his 80 gigs of mind-stimulating music.

...this was gonna be a long post but my hand has a cramp and my ipod is updated. more later.

bloooog

Just posted this in someone's comments & thought i'd slap it on here too:

the most important thing to me is being true to myself. i don't care if i lose friends or potential friends because they read my blog. sometimes i look like a tard, sometimes uncaring, and borderline psychotic on my blog. i'd rather not have to lie to myself because this is the one happy little place where i don't have to.

...

joel's here and he's cooking a feast
he helped me buy $100 of groceries cuz my man-like fridge is empty always
he banished me to my room cuz i stole cheese
then i came back out
so he said u can dump out the bacon fat
so i tried and half went on the floor and big flames leapt off the stove
i laughed so hard
back to your room!
he said
so now i'm here

he said sorry lots for being not here
lots and lots
'i'm the best unreliable boyfriend'
i laughed
he had good reasons
still, he coulda been here no matter how much trouble he was in
so i don't feel quite the same way
but still fun to hang out

updates

J update: he was fighting on the phone w/ his exwife for 3+ hours which is why he never called me or got my calls. Sent an apologetic email this morning.

Work update: 104 chats again today. Also the highest on my team for customer satisfaction contest. W00t.

Ipod mini update: ~10 days till it arrives. doing retrospective research. finding out about some problem with the headphone jack being made of still connectors, which makes it easily breakable and makes the sound static-y. All good devices must have some flaw.

Food update: S (a co-worker) and i are doing a food swap at work...we make each other lunch on alternate days. rad. i made spinach salad for tomorrow.

Reading update: The Count of Monte Cristo is currently in jail, and has discovered his fellow jailmate's knowledge of Sparto's great fortune.

Current anger/annoyance level: 2/10. Whee!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

..wow i'm avoidant! like that's a surprise..

I must shun the cat

3 strikes!
The first time, disappeared for 4 days unannounced. Was waiting for me to make contact first, knowing I didn't have his #.

After finally reappearing Friday nite, said he'd call Sat night and never did. (Later apologized, to his credit, and said he'd explain why, but never did.)

Last night, promised he'd come over. Called at 4, and told me to call back. Said he was working early today but left me assuming he'd be coming. Didn't call to cancel and phone was busy all night.

I'm not going to answer when he calls. It will be hard. I wish I knew how to block a # so I don't feel sad when I see it on my call display. If he writes a long email I might answer. Maybe.

I'd rather hang out with nobody than with people whose company I don't enjoy. I'd rather hang out with 1 special person than 5 sorta-special people. Not very many people make that list.. Some I hang out with because it's convenient, others because they want something from me (sex?) or I want something from them (usually just companionship, like for rollerblading.. because I feel safer going with someone else).

There's not many people I can have a satisfying conversation with, and totally be myself. (Disclaimer: Don't worry; if I've given you the address to this blog, and you're reading this now, and I know you, I probably enjoy your company.)

This is why I let myself get dicked around a lot w/ J. Making a vow to not answer his future calls isn't some oversensitive girly thing. Because a few weeks ago, I really opened up to him, confessed my feelings after he pried them out. I wouldn't have otherwise told him, but it seemed he really wanted to hear that, and said it was they were the best things I'd ever told him. Now he's run off with that info.. (possibly keeping it as ego-stroking material?).. and is keeping his distance, it seems.

I guess I'll be spending a lot of time inside, trying not to mope, and reading The Count of Monte Cristo again.

8&)(^&^&^&*^

I talked to 104 Americans today which is really good. That's 16 chats an hour. I usually do around 10/hr. There's a new supe that sits next to me now. Was her first day here and she seemed kinda overwhelmed with all the new info, etc. Must be so weird to be hired in and know less than the ppl who will be soon working under you.

O. was giving me flack about my LULULEMON sweatshirt. Kits yuppie, yada.
Me to O: 'You're really anti-status quo eh? I bet you're all anarchist and vote Communist'

Then I looked at his shirt, and on it was the Marxist symbol. How odd.

Nobody really annoyed me today. I met some really nice people in chat. I stayed an hour and a half late to do some extra work.

I think I want to buy an Ipod or an Ipod mini. I've been reading the debates about the Ipod mini. They cracked me up, breaking up my angry stupor last night. Geeks are funny.

I flushed out my rage with giggles and faux punches lightly disguised as humor and play. Lightly veiled logical smiles dance in a rage around their fumbling brains and furious fingers.

I feel the tears in my stomach when you're here. She can rage, she can rage, mud on my carpet, spiders in my drawers, food on my pants, quiet bills and loud paycheques.

It's different now that I'm less poor and more aging
You can always see this place again
Anytime you wish,
And we'll go stabbing
Myself in the neck

It's in the way that he poses
It's in the incense he burns
His stories are a tabloid magazine
He's always calling my bluff
He puts the weights
Into my little heart
And he gets in my room
And he takes it apart
His heaven is never enough

Today I climbed Mt. Everest by making pizza, taking a shower and walking to the store. I breathed your soul in my oxygen mask and I drank your absense in an ice shard. Tomorrow my heart beats again and I'll go flying through Nepal, my fingers visiting Lake Tahoe and Tampa Bay and Texas. You'll probe at me through some optic fibres and I'll smile at you or let my subconcious hate you, and you'll feel this and hate me too, but I'll treat you like a pawn and you'll have to love me in the end. I'll gloat and whip out my calculator and you'll be a number, divided by time, to gain a raw score.

A score that feeds me more pizza and earns me more trips to the little asian-run grocery store where smiles are free of charge.

And there's 5 minutes left. There's always 5 minutes left. I didn't have time to write down my thoughts and I have to do it again. I just grabbed a cd from your shelf. The Devil's Pleasures, and a real breast and a fake rubber cock attached to a rubber suit, and a philharmonic sound my father could appreciate...

The people who use the most visited website in the world are mostly nice, but they're the stupidest bunch I ever met. They shouldn't be allowed to own computers. My hand bones grate and I'm getting arthritis as I tell them over and over what a browser is, and how to copy and paste, and why they shouldn't have given their SIN and credit card numbers out to a random junk email.

V, you annoy me like all get-out. Stop coming round to my desk. I have to put up with you outside of work; why should I have to do so at work too. God, you pervade my whole life. Go the fawk away! PS. You're annoying. Take a hint. I will waste no more words on you.

M, just because you submitted my resume to your supervisor, which netted you $500, doesn't mean I owe you my vagina. Stop hitting on me. Please. It's slimey.

Oh, and Jan, please keep your deep manly voice lowered. I know you want to loudly announce to nobody how you need space from your beloved, and how well you are doing at your job, but the ten cubicles in your radius don't need to hear it. PS. You're fat. You and V should team up as jogging buddies. Maybe I'll introduce you and you'll hit it off, gobbling nothingness at each other.

I'm too nice. If only I was this mean and un-politically correct in real life.

goals

2 business 2 personal 1 health:

short term:
do some research re: jobs & life on the island/small towns
do some research re: writing/horticulture; practice writing & read 1 good quality novel before Nov 9

cut out the deadwood in my life (ie. the people who drag me down & the 'watercooler' people); actively surround myself w/ positive, goal-oriented people who don't get on my nerves.....or enjoy my own company

start apartment and roommate-hunting. december will come soon. preferably a clean, new place that i can actually start beautifying.

do at least 10 minutes of weights and 30 min. of cardio a day (not including walk to/from work), unless i'm reallly tired. if i do more of one i can skip the other.




long term:
run my own business or work for a small, innovative company
be outside or travel; not in an office

raise a family in tofino or victoria or saltspring
maximise my creativity; channel it into one thing that i apply all my talent to

get defined butt and abs, bulk up upper body, be able to run 1 hr nonstop

J left his clothes and dvd here.. muahah

I think J is trying to teach me a lesson. We spent my weekend the best way I could ever spend my weekend: we basically snuggled and ate homemade cheesecake and watched Sex and the City (he likes it even more than I do; I've never really gotten into it but I have a feeling its every girl's dream that their boy would actually bring over a SATC dvd and play it, of his own accord) and talked about psychology for two nights and two days nonstop. We only left the house to grab some food at an English pub and shiver and clutch each other at the beach.

Last night J called me when I got back from work. I had tentative golfing plans. I had had a good day at work, but somehow I was in an agressive / angry mood. It had started out as agressive and driven, but easily channeled into anger when people grated against it. It probably spurned from the leftover adrenaline rush of trying to make a record number of chats per hour the whole day. It probably also was caused by a bad sleep the night before. J called and said 'How do I get three teenage girls to go away?' All I could hear was screaming in the background, and incessant chatter. He kept leaving to talk to them, and half the time I'd answer and realize he wasn't talking to me. At the end I lost it: 'HOLY FUCKING ANNOYING!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!' I bellowed. He had invited me ice skating but I told him to call me after.

So then I went power shopping. I plowed through the racks like a bulldozer and kept a general glare on my face. Even when I'm mad though, I couldn't bring myself to not smile at salespeople, and I couldn't bring myself to not hang up the clothes neatly on the hangers after trying them. I honestly make quite a nice mad person. J called me while I was buying some white Guess jeans. 'Wanna hang?' he asked. 'Well,' I said, 'sure.. but it's up to you. I know you need your space.'

'I need my space?'
'Yeah, like you said last night.'
'Uh.. I don't remember saying that.'
'Yeah, you did. You said you still want time to hang out with your friends and stuff.'
'Whatever! How come everyone's crazy tonight? I'm just going to go home and take a nap and hope that when I wake up everyone will be normal again.'

He didn't call tonight, which is typical, because I know that he gets too proud to call back for a long time, sometimes. He'll probably call tomorrow. I snicker a bit, and I don't know why. Perhaps because I can predict things now. I'm not even afraid of 'crashing and burning' anymore. I even forgot that catch phrase until he brought it up during a discussion about moving in together. I can't understand how I like him more than ever before, and yet I'm much less afraid of it not working out, than before. I know he has the tendency to jump up and run off at the drop of a hat, and I know I'd be very sad if he did, but I'm not scared of it anymore. He wants to find an apartment downtown together. And get a dog. I think I'd be game. It seems like when we're together we never fight. It's when we're apart that we do.

I went powershopping again today. This time I made some kills. I am sick of wearing cheap clothes that fall apart my whole life. I am the queen of thrift. I like thrift stores too, but I'm sick of the 'used' look, and sick of buying stuff I only half-like just because its on sale. So now I'm trying to buy only high-quality stuff that I like a lot, and that will last a long time. I got this circle & square bracelet from Blue Ruby. $85. My heart jumped and I felt a bit guilty buying it but also proud of throwing caution to the wind and being a consumer whore. I also got a really really really soft comfy aquamarine Lululemon sweatshirt. It is so soft, it doesn't feel like you're touching it, yet the warmest sweatshirt I ever wore, and YET it's still fitted, not baggy. Wow.

I've put off buying Lulu stuff for so long because I don't want to be a trend whore, but I'm definitely going back to get one of those stretchy tracksuits to live in at work. Whoohoo!

Before that I went to La Senza, and my friend Darcy and her friend happened to be working there. It was both of their last nights. So Darcy told me to buy whatever, and she'd use her 25% discount on me. I bought a black bra and 3 pairs of black REALLY COMFY undies. Nylon/spandex. Need comfort when sitting in wedgie-prone positions all day at work.

So that does it for today. Next on the list is sneakers (Puma or Adidas), the tracksuit, and a plain white baseball cap for days like today, when I sleep 45 min past my alarm and run to work without a shower. : Possibly a watch, though I get along ok using my cellphone as a watch for now. Larger hoop earrings. Yes, I did mention to some friends the other day that the size of girls' hoop earrings must be inversely proportionate to the size of their brain.. I guess mine is shrinking from the rote tasks at work.

Speaking of work, this is what I like best about it. That I can come home and totally forget it. It doesn't bug me, and the stresses during the day, while pertinent and stressful at the time, don't bug me when I get home. Work always followed me home and put me in a foul mood when I was waitressing. Right now, all I can think about is how I made this one person's day by telling them what a great artist they were after looking at some paintings they were selling. And the free pizza we got today, and the free KFC we get tomorrow. And how I was second place in the 'greatest improvements in customer satisfaction ratings' this week

Anyway, time to gloat a bit more over tonight's killings (clothes) and go to sleep in theoretically 10 minutes.