4 Years

Dear Lady,

It's now been 4 years since you passed away. There are longer gaps between posts here but I still think of you often, and talk about you too. I was just mentioning today how I still can't bring your ashes or snippet of fur home because seeing them will remind me of you and make me sad. It's bad enough when I accidentally run across your pics on Facebook or think about you at night. Maybe I'm almost ready to bring home your ashes.. but right now afaik they are still sitting on my dad's desk.

Was just thinking last night of you galloping across the deck, chasing me, your nails clacking noisily, all excited. And whenever summer turns to fall and it gets cold and rainy I think of you. I often think of you together as a group of all the people / animals I loved and who loved me unconditionally, who have passed on. I hope if there is an afterlife you are having fun hanging out with Uncle Tony and Grandma Watson. And if Roberto's dad likes dogs too, maybe he's taking you on a bike ride.

Jo

2 Years Since Your Death

Dear Lady,

Just because I don't post as regularly doesn't mean I don't think about you. It's fall again and I've been thinking about you lots. I went back to Rockwood, where you were born, and I saw Beethoven's grave again. I thought a lot about you both, saw the ditch Beethoven pulled me into during winter and I fell through the ice and got soaking wet. Saw the fields you and Bee used to run through. Pondered about the fragility of human and animal life, while the same trees continued to grow and shed new and old leaves, and stand in the exact same places they've always been.

Thought long and hard about how the P's and the H's had also been through so many dogs and cats... how there are always new ones to replace the old ones, and how humans always need the company of pets, even when the old ones are gone, but not forgotten.

It made me a bit bitter and envious of nature, to see it thrive, so beautifully, when you and Beethoven have been long gone from this earth, and when I have been long since displaced from what I feel is my home. I lay in the forest between our old house and Vince's house for probably more than an hour in total, and just gazed up at the breathtaking trees that no words can describe. The sun illuminated the whole forest and it glowed in warm yellow tones. All I could hear was the wind, the leaves lightly falling all around me, and the occasional bird, crickets and Canada goose. And once in a while a car going by.

Nothing's really changed. It's still as sparsely populated as it was in 93. I miss you and Beethoven SO MUCH. And last night I cried, feeling so guilty about how I left you for a year to go to Korea. You were my baby, and I'm sure you didn't understand why I left for so long. I felt SO guilty when I came back and you were suddenly so senile, and you didn't greet me with as much joy as usual. Probably because you had already come to terms with the fact I had died, or permanently abandoned you. And NOTHING will ever make me feel less regretful, less guilty about that.

No other dogs will ever replace you two. I went to the E. Fall Fair and saw the stage where I'd taken Beethoven in his clown hat; the Gentle Ben's pet show.. and Bee had been an embarrassment, refusing to go up the stairs, then pulling so hard on the leash, that I got a pity donation of 50 cents by an onlooker. I filmed the building. It seems much smaller than it did as a kid.

I can't believe it's already been two years. Fall used to be my favorite season, a close tie with spring.. but every fall, I will always think of you, because when the weather grew colder, you grew weaker, and died. I'm really sorry you had to die, it seemed so early and unjust. I hope you're running free in dog heaven, with strong back legs and a youthful body. I hope you have lots of table scraps to eat, and are allowed to be an indoor dog. I hope you have a girl to take care of you and brush you when you shed, and won't take off to Korea in your old age. I hope I can see you again. Please wait for me!

Love, Jo.

1 year since your death

Dear Lady,

A few days before it was one year since your death, I commemorated it by changing my Facebook pic, and posting a thread about you, filled with pics, on the dog forum I'm on. Right here: http://www.boxerforums.com/rainbow-bridge/50977-rip-lady-pic-heavy.html

Since then, I haven't thought of much to post here... but I still think about you every day, and often mention you to people. Tonight I mentioned you in forum chat.. how I'd get a tattoo of you or Rockwood house if I had to get a tattoo of anything. And then of course they asked who you were and I explained.

You're my poor wittle baby, and I want to give you more kisses on your furry snout. You were always so demure and sweet, and always minded your own business at the park or when out in public.

I miss that.

XOXO Love you forever, and can't stop crying, ever. It's been a year and 3 months but time just stopped the day you died and I'm still living in that moment. I have tears streaming down my face now, and I always will when I think of you.

Lady, its summer!

Dear Lady,

If you were still here, you would be enjoying some great walks in the Watershed with me. I still think about you lots, and try to remember random things about you. You were a 'piece of Ontario' for sure. We got a new boxer puppy last week, his name's Monty. He doesn't and won't ever replace you, don't worry. He's very cute though. I'm trying to raise him right this time because your upbringing was a bit less than ideal... not much socialization or exposure to new things. Not enough positive reinforcement, too much hitting you on the nose when you ran away. Every time I think about an aspect of Monty or raising Monty, I think about how we did it with you, and how your adult life was shaped by your puppyhood.

A couple memories of you and Beethoven:

-When you and Bee pulled me so hard, you (mostly Bee) pulled me into a ditch of iced over water, up to my past my knees

-When Bee bit your nose really hard and you needed antiseptic gel for it... the scar remained throughout your life

-When we would take you on 'walks' throughout the yard, running around with you on leashes. And one time posing with you guys for a family pic, and the mosquitos were nuts, biting us all..

-You splish sploshing through the river in that 'hidden place' in the Watershed, behind the blackberry bushes, while I chilled out there, totally hidden from the world

Love you.

Jo

2 months

Two months ago yesterday, you passed away, Lady. Yesterday was Dec 25, 08. I had an excellent Christmas. Stayed home with boyfriend, watched 'A Christmas Carol' on Christmas eve and 'Slum Dog Millionaire' on Christmas day. Exchanged gifts with the boi.. he got me an SLR camera and I got him 15 gourmet ingredients.

Then I went with Sera to Jeni's turkey dinner and it was everything that a Christmas gathering should be, in my mind. Warm home, big real tree, lots of happy people, lots of joking around, and the food!! Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, brussels sprouts, carrots, salad with pine nuts/dijon/oliveoil/balsamic/feta (must remember the recipe), wine, four kinds of pie, ice cream, whipped cream, cranberry sauce.

Jeni and Jerry did a hilarious impersonation of Jeni's 16 yr old kid, when he was younger (a pee dance). There was a 'present stealing game' and Christmas crackers. And a cute 18 month old baby whose mom was really funny ("After you have the third kid, you don't care.. you just send them out to the busy street and say here, take this knife!")

There are several feet of snow on the ground.. all of Canada had a white Christmas. If you were still alive you wouldn't really have been able to walk into the backyard to pee anyway. We humans can barely walk in it. Ju and I are hosting a potluck on Dec 28. With more turkey! I haven't cleaned an inch of house yet.

Really looking forward to it though, there will be a 2 month old baby there, lots of Ju's cousins, and maybe even a dog (Mandy's little toy mutt, Charlie). I was exhausted last night by the way, possibly partly caused by subconscious depression, and almost stayed in, but Sera came and dragged me out to dinner, which was good, of course.

Ju went to his extended family dinnner with their takeout Chinese food (ew, tired of it), where he had a 'deep talk' with his uncle about how his uncle things we should marry and have kids, because Ju's mom likes holding Ju's 2 month old niece so much.

Seeing Jeni and Jerry's dog try to sneak into the warm house last night totally reminded me of you. And how you'd slowly but stubbornly press forward and walk into the house, looking straight ahead and avoiding all eye contact, because you knew that it was disallowed or partially disallowed, but you wanted to anyway.

You really loved snow.. we have pics of you bouncing around in it, and looking up at the snow we threw into the air. It made you hyper and you'd run around randomly eating it, like most dogs who like snow do. Remember when we put straw in your house and you slept with Beethoven to keep warm?

2 months have passed by fast; I thought it was Nov 25, but I was mistaken.. it was Oct 25. You are still just as real to me though, as if you were still alive. And your ashes are still on Dad's desk, waiting to be scattered..

Merry Christmas, sweet doggy!

3 weeks

Dear Lady,

It's been 3 weeks without you. The last time I ever took you for a walk, a mysterious bump appeared on my left hand. I thought it was a mosquito bite but it grew into something larger and wart-like. This never happened before. I believe in sychronicity. I got it treated with liquid nitrogen at the Dr's and now it's nearly disappeared. But I still see it and every time I look at it, it reminds me that I was walking you about a month and a half ago. Time is speeding away, but this wart links me to that one day in the past, and makes remember that it was real.

I still cry randomly several times a day, even when doing fun stuff like playing LBP. I've been depressed this month. Feel really, really sad and don't want to do anything productive except play videogame, eat icecream, sleep. Taking a shower and eating = such a chore. Don't want to go to work or organize my room. I think I'm sadder than most normal ppl would be. Sometimes I cry so hard I want to puke. I wish I was dead because if dead means non-existence, at least we could both be non-existent and in being in the same state I'd feel closer to you.

Life and death and everything in between seems so numb and insignificant and pointless. I find myself easily frustrated and angry at everyone I love.. family, boyfriend, friends. I feel like lashing out at ppl and things. I can laugh as I play a video game and tears are still dripping out of my eyes as I laugh.

As I drive down the street I picture your face in the vet's and feel so depressed I want to hit oncoming traffic. I picture your face and relive the last day of your life over and over in my mind.

Fleeting Memories..

She had a little missing patch of fur on her upper leg, from lying on one preferred side

She loved being scratched behind her ears or in her armpits, and pet anywhere for that matter

She let me clip her nails but never let me brush her teeth. EVER.

Her jingling dog tag let me know when she was around.

Sometimes when her mouth was closed you could still poke her front teeth

I once tried this 'dog calming massage' on her that included gently pulling tail. She didn't mind it!

She would race up and down the fence barking if another dog walked by, and was super territorial.

More thoughts on death..

Life is so lonely when someone you love most dies. Every other person or animal seems more like a robot, an unfit supplement, because they will never fill that same place.

I'm only 26 but I feel like I'm 86, just waiting for death to claim me. Life suddenly seems so long. And I wonder how real old people keep living when their loved ones are all gone. Do they find solace in others? The loneliness they have must be unbearable.

Life doesn't seem as precious as it once was, not when I'm so curious, so eager to get to the other side, because of that 1% chance that you, and the others that I loved, who died, may be there.

Today I want to remember.. that little bite on your nose that Beethovan gave you. The scar never did disappear. How I'd brush you and you'd enjoy it for a few seconds, but then get restless and keep trying to sneak away while I held your white legs.

Then when you finally got away you'd prance around and relish the freedom and sometimes it would be hard to get you back. Since it took an hour to brush you, I learned to give you a few breaks every so often.

You liked just lying on your side while being brushed, best. Because it required no effort. Silly lazy puppy. Then I'd have to flip you to the other side. Sometimes when I brushed your tummy your back leg would start shaking. I think its a nerve that all dogs have.

I won't forget how you shrieked so earnestly when Beethovan got to run outside and you didn't. You had a really piercing, incessant cry and you'd put your whole body into it. While Beethovan would just do this yawning cry.

dear lady #2

dear lady

why don't i just continue writing you as long as i can? first i had the macabre dream about your death. the next nite i also dreamed you died, but in a nicer way, on a beach. i had been collecting seashells. it was sort of a contest organized by some resort or something. here on the west coast. 'who can find the smallest seashell?' an older couple were near me, and they had collected a whole pile.

the interesting thing though, was that the seashells were more like polished ceramic coasters, square with rounded corners, and they had pictures of seashells imprinted on them. they were delicate and pretty. even though i couldn't find the smallest one, i thought 'hey, it was worth looking here, because these other ones are so pretty and i want to take them home with me.'

then you came up to me, walking slowly, padding over the sharp shells and stones. i hugged you and you relaxed. i held you and you decided the time was right, so you took a deep breath and died.

i suppose if there was a way for you to die that was better than at the vets, that would be it. it was a nice dream.

then on the 3rd nite, last nite, i dreamt that mom wreaked havoc and embarassed me in front of my clients but that's kind of irrelevant. but also nice that i didn't dream about your death for a 3rd nite.

i miss you doggy. woof!

Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

I had a macabre dream about you this morning before I woke up. I dreamt that instead of cremating you, we sent you to a butcher to skin you and chop up your body. It had something to do with a post-mortem autopsy and trying to find out if it was cancer or whatever else that was ailing you.

I took your remains home in a plastic shopping bag, all your severed limbs, and your head sticking out the top of the bag. As we walked down the sidewalk, I pet your head and you still looked as cute as ever to me, even though I knew you were dead.

Then mom said 'don't worry, her soul is following us.' I looked behind and there was another dog that looked just like you, following. It sniffed an open door we passed, and an expression crossed its face that looked just like one of yours. I forget exactly which expression it was now.

But when your 'soul' version came closer I saw it wasn't really you. It was another dog, with slightly darker fur. Then I looked at your head in the bag and you seemed to come alive a bit. Your eyes opened a little. I pet your head more. And then I could see your mouth was drooping and weird and I knew you were still dead.

But maybe if I kept petting you, you'd come alive again?

It was kind of a lucid dream, I guess, because it was disturbing, but not in the 'blood and guts' manner it would seem. Just disturbing more in a 'My mind is still having trouble coming to terms with the permanency of it all' type thing.

Watching CSI the night before probably helped too. But I also am confused and uncertain about the whole 'body-brain-soul' thing, and knowing what part exists, and what part is gone, and how can your body just disappear and turn into ashes overnight, when your soul was so vivid and alive still?

I'm confounded.